Summer Job FUN (used in this case as sarcasm)

Boy am I tired. But the black rubber streaks on my shirt look more like bike tire tread than car tire tread. . . (haha that was funny)

For those of you that know me, you probably know that I work at a bakery. For those of you that don't know, now you know. You newegg about my life! (again haha funny)

Anywho, for obvious reasons I'm not going to name the bakery.

From time to time I will probably mention "work" or "bakery" and this is the place I am referring to. SOoo, one of my favorite things to do is categorize customers. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they enter a store and shop. For the time being, however, I am going to just make a list of a few of my favorite categories, in chronological order of appearance during business hours. Keep in mind you get bonus points for customers who fall into several of the categories per shopping experience.

A. Waiters/Campers - When I'm scheduled to open, I wake at 5 a.m. During the longest day of the year, at 5 a.m. it's still dark out and chance of zombie attack is still relatively high. We open at 6:30 a.m. By six, there are actually people who sit in their cars and look at our store. Probably the most vivid memory of a waiter/camper as I call them, was a man who sat in his jeep cherokee, which was the only car within sight, and read the paper for about 20 minutes until we were in the final 15-20 minutes until the doors unlock. No joke, this dude stands there for the remaining time reading the paper. Another woman joins him. They stand there together. Then my co-worker goes to open the door and the camper waiters are pulling on the door so that the very instant the bolt slides back on the lock the door opens for them. . . WTF. WE SELL PASTRIES NOT CRACK. I mean honestly I'm not that great of a person to ask (well maybe I am) because bakery goods are not a real magnet for me but the stuff from the bakery that employs me is not exceptional. I still don't see the draw to getting coffee cake before the sun comes up. It's not like if it is exposed to light it goes bad. . . Unless it's a vampire cake. Yeah, I know it looks like red velvet. . .

B. Pointers - I think old women are the best at getting up early. I mean, I know that is stereotypical especially on sundays, but I have statistical data, and receipts. Anywho, I'm not sure if it is lack of eyesight, or perhaps just senility setting in, but pointing at something in the store that is 40 feet away and proclaiming "I'll take two of those," just is not specific enough. I'm sorry Eleanor-Ruth but there are a lot of products being specified by your elegantly bony finger. There is a formula to find just how many products you are pointing to at any given time. (Y divided by two where Y is equal to your age)

C. Tellers - There is nothing like a customer who describes to you, what is best about your product. Here is just a sample for you to try:
Me: Hello, what can I get for you today?
Cust: Your fruit torte is so delectable the flavor is amazing!
Me: (chuckle) Well I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Cust: Oooh, soft pretzels! I remember my father used to buy them for me at market.
Me: It's good our products bring fond memories.
Cust: Are these rolls from today, the last time I tasted them I thought they were a little hard.
Me: (THATS WHY THEY ARE CALLED HARD ROLLS) Oh, well yes they were made this morning I personally saw them as they arrived I guarantee they are fresh.
Cust: I never really liked your bagels though, I was always partial to [other bakery].
Me: Sorry to hear that.
Cust: Your cookies are delicious, however, especially the sugared ones.
Me: Delicious is what we bake for.
Cust: I have always been a fan of your brownies as well
Me: Me too they are so moist.
Cust: I remember when this bakery was [in other location]
Me: That was a while ago wasn't it.
Cust: I think you should put more salt in the rye bread
Me: You could always add salt.
-Then the customer will proceed into the following options:
1. Get nothing and leave
2. Get the only thing in the store they did not look at or comment on

D. Askers - It would not surprise me if there was a hidden camera crew directed by a game show host being televised live on, "Memorize your inventory like elementary vocab!" with these people.

Cust: What is in this?
Me: An oatmeal coconut base glazed with a butter-sugar icing. As you can see the yellow in the middle of the oatmeal coconut sandwich is a lemon filling that is both tangy and sweet but not too much of either.
Cust: How bout this?
Me: A graham cracker cookie base with 3 layers of sponge cake, each one separated by exotic fruit jellies that you've never heard of. On top is a hand decorated white chocolate swirl. FYI the fruit was not touched my latin american migrant workers and it was flown in this morning by cybernetic fruit machines so it tastes like it fell out of the tree into your mouth.
Cust:And this?
Me: Well this is something really special. The elves in the back have had this recipe for generations. Before the garden of eden, there was the elves garden called "What if you could make the most intense aphrodisiacs grow on trees AND look like pastries?" But then some some guy name Ogd or something made this weird garden of Eden. Anywho, this may look like a normal cheesecake, but look again, the elves have been able to extract the DNA from the cheesecake tree in their ancient garden from a mosquito in amber and now cheesecakes grow on trees!
Cust: It all looks so wonderful I think I'll be back sometime next week to ask questions again!

E. Complainers - These are the kind of people who would argue with the mathematical fact that 2+2 is indeed 4 just to get two pennies back, save half a second, or get a sick satisfaction out of making your breathing more exacerbated than it really needs to be. These are the people who make comments like:


"Ummm, your coffee is not empty at all but I just dont think 211 degree is hot enough. I would prefer it if you could make another pot of coffee and bring it out while its boiing. . ."
AND
"Can i feel the bread. When was this made? Oh wow just today? Really just 3 hours ago because it feels really hard like its been out here for three weeks. . ." (if you want i could just run back and grab some bread dough for you that has not been cooked it's usually nice and soft.)
AND
"Are you serious? 8 Dollars for a pound of cookies!? Wait you expect to make some kind of profit. I thought you were running a promotion for a charity. . ."

Complainers can also be characterized by doing things like:
Ordering a cake, purchasing it, taking it home, eat all by half a piece, and bringing it back complaining, "I ordered a cake that was chocolate on the left and yellow on the right. Well it was all chocolate.
Me: yes mam it looks like that last sliver of a piece is chocolate. and it is on the left side.
Yeah well, I want a full refund.
Me: I understand and I sympathize but I won't pay you back for a cake you ate.
Yeah but we didn't enjoy it.
Me: Well I'm sorry but you still ate it.
MAN WHATEVER IM NEVER COMING BACK
Me: Well I hate to lose a customer but try saying there was a hair in the cake with the next bakery, it's more compelling.

AND

(It takes a good 30 seconds to a minute to make a box. It takes a good minute to two minutes to select a dozen donuts and put them in the box. Imagine a line of five different customers anxiously awaiting bakery crack. 90 seconds is relatively close to infinity.

You bag two dozen donuts. Then:
"Oh my gosh you bagged them. I'm soooo sorry could you like do you think just put them in a box that was be so great and im running a little late so if you could like you know try to speed it up that would be so fantastic you would like be my favorite."

To Be Continued: (F. and others next time!)

P.S. Check out Landon's Job, he has it worse then I do
P.S. S. I make a higher wage than he does
P.S.S. I can actually select days off
P.S.S.S. I have always wanted to have that many Ss so you have to sound it out!
P.S.S.S.S. PSSSsss